The day I became an immigrant

It’s been two years since I left home. Two years and two months since I came to Germany to study. When I left, I didn’t think about returning. It’s not something one thinks of when starting anew. When I left, I had a whole world of chances ahead of me. It was up to me to decide when and where I would continue my life. And I was amazed of this whole new spectrum of possibilities. I could go anywhere! I could live my life as diverse and adventurous as I wanted. Germany was a first shy step and after that… who knows what would follow?  

Two years later I do have a whole world of chances ahead. I do have them all, all but one. Now I can’t go back. Somewhere in-between there was this decisive moment when the international student became an immigrant. Somewhere between memorandums and “yes to all” my chances of survival, quality of life and financial independence in homeland withered away. I can do whatever I want as long as I don’t choose to go home. I never had to decide after all, the choice was made for me in absentia.

As life back home continues… in absentia.

Take care of your love

September. Aegean Sea. Warm wind is blowing her dress, messing up her hair. He’s walking calmly holding her hand; she is casting side-glances to marvel at his smile; they are strolling through the narrow alleys of Parikia, Paros, kissing in the corners. They are happy, they are young and they are in love. The first night they danced to the music of the “Pirate” they thought the world could end there end then with the jazz tunes of John Coltrane.  It was 1985 and it was unforgettable... 

September. Aegean Sea. The old man was sitting all alone, finishing this one glass of wine, as the music was dying out and most of the other customers were already heading home to give the night a rest. He approached our table with unique decency to offer a plate of leftover peanuts for our unfinished wine. He smiled at us with kindness. “We really liked this island and we came back whenever we could. But not this year. My wife, you see, passed away last winter. This year I came alone”. Eyes full of sadness and a soul at peace with life itself, this man who returned to Paros, Parikia and the “Pirate” time and again after 1985, was offering his life experience, concentrated in one simple phrase “Take care of your love”. It was 2012 and it will be unforgettable.

Things I don't like (not necessarily in the following order)

1)      Repeating myself

2)      Peas

3)      Black Eyed Peas

4)      Feeling lonely when I’m alone

5)      Feeling lonely when I’m with other people

6)      Hating my mistakes

7)      Rainy afternoons unless I am in Greece during hot summer days

8)      Cats

9)      Homophobes

10)   Watching a movie with somebody who has already watched it

11)   Watching a movie for a second time, unless it is Politiki Kouzina (A touch of spice) or Soul Kitchen

12)   Unreliable people

13)   Unrequited love

14)   Unexpressed anger

15)   Unexpressed love

16)   When my mum is sick

17)   When I cry with no apparent reason

18)   Arrogant people

19)   Fruity ice-cream

20)   Spinach

21)   Losing trust to people

22)   Understanding a hopeless situation

23)   Moving on

24)   Absence of emotion

25)   Nighttime leg cramps

26)   Forgetting my keys

27)   Greeting someone when I have forgotten their name

28)   Wearing glasses

29)   Short jean skirts

30)   Olives

31)   Looking for a lost object I blame others for misplacing and finding out in the end that it was I who misplaced it

32)   “Lost” final season

33)   Playing guitar hero and wii

34)   Backgammon (I finally said it!!!)

35)   Letting down somebody I respect

Εκλογές round 0!!

Τις τελευταίες ημέρες η πολιτική κατάσταση στη χώρα μας μου θυμίζει έντονα πτυχές της προσωπικής μου ζωής, η οποία χαρακτηρίζεται από διαδοχικές περιόδους εμμονής. Δηλαδή, υπάρχουν φάσεις (που ομολογουμένως δεν κρατούν πολύ) κατά τη διάρκεια των οποίων νιώθω απίστευτα ευτυχής ακόμη και όταν γνωρίζω ότι αυτό το αίσθημα είναι - σε μεγάλο βαθμό - πλασματικό. Πλασματικό γιατί νιώθω μεν ευτυχής αλλά για λόγους που είτε δεν ισχύουν είτε θα πάψουν σύντομα να ισχύουν είτε ισχύουν αλλά με άλλους όρους. Σαν το εκλογικό αποτέλεσμα λίγο πολύ. Κατάρρευση του δικομματισμού! Νίκη της (συνασπισμένης;) αριστεράς! Συντριβή του (οξαποδώ) ΠΑΣΟΚ! Αποδυνάμωση της (φύλλο και φτερό) ΝΔ!

Αρχίζω να συνειδητοποιώ το πλασματικό της ευτυχίας μου, όταν έρχομαι αντιμέτωπη με τη σκληρή πραγματικότητα. Σε ένα εκλογικό σύστημα που υποστηρίζει το πρώτο κόμμα ανεξαρτήτως διαφοράς από τα υπόλοιπα και το ενδυναμώνει τόσο ώστε να αποκτήσει αυτοδυναμία σχηματισμού κυβέρνησης, ακόμα κι όταν αυτό δεν επιτυγχάνεται κάποιοι μιλάνε για εκλογική νίκη και λαϊκή εντολή. Ταυτόχρονα, κυβέρνηση δε σχηματίζεται (από κανέναν και με κανέναν) και τα τρομολαγνικά σενάρια δίνουν και παίρνουν. “Τι θα γίνει αν, τι θα γίνει αν δεν, εμείς συνεργαζόμαστε με τους μεν αλλά όχι με τους δε, γυρνάμε στη δραχμή (έχω μερικά κατοστάρικα κι ένα πεντακοσάρικο από κείνα με τον Καποδίστρια, μας κάνουν;), μένουμε στο ευρώ (έχω κάτι ειδικής κοπής των Ολυμπιακών, τα κρατάω γιατί θα γίνουν συλλεκτικά), γιατί δεν επικοινωνεί, γιατί επικοινωνεί”; Κι ακόμα πιο καυτά ερωτήματα, “τι είναι καλύτερο για τη χώρα, look at the big picture, μακροπρόθεσμα θα είμαι καλά (με κείνον, χωρίς εκείνον;), είναι φαύλος κύκλος (άραγε;)”.

Όσοι έχουν βρει το νέο πρόσωπο (φώναζέ με σκέτο Αλέξη) αγωνίζονται και αγωνιούν να δουν την αλλαγή. Γιατί, επιτέλους, (πιστεύουν ότι) έκαναν τη σωστή επιλογή και δρομολογούν την έξοδο από την κρίση. Είτε επειδή yes we can και υπάρχει καλύτερη Ελλάδα, είτε επειδή απλά σκέφτονται, “προκόψαμε από τους άλλους, άντε να δούμε κι εσένα”. Είναι η λογική, αν αντέξαμε τότε, αντέχουμε τα πάντα και πόσο χειρότερα μπορεί να είναι αυτή τη φορά;

Άλλοι πάλι προτιμούν να τους έχουν “σήκω σήκω, κάτσε κάτσε” και μαζοχίζονται διαρκώς και αδιαλείπτως πιστεύοντας ακράδαντα ότι έτσι (και μόνον έτσι) θα βγούμε από την (οικονομική) κρίση. Τώρα η κρίση συνείδησης και ηθικής είναι ένα άλλο τελείως διαφορετικό (και αδιάφορο) ζήτημα που κανένα ρόλο δεν παίζει στη διαμόρφωση πολιτικής άποψης.

Έχουμε βέβαια και τους παλιούς, όπως τον “σας έχω παραμυθιάσει και στο παρελθόν και σας άρεσε – πολύ” που αναγνωρίζει τα λάθη του, τα παραδέχεται και λέει “πάμε γι’ άλλα”. Δε σου λέει ότι δε θα το ξανακάνει, δε σου ζητάει συγγνώμη, σου ζητάει να τον εμπιστευτείς για να… Μπένι η άνοιξη (και σύντομα). Ο άλλος παλιός άλλαξε πόστο (έγινε τελικά χαλίφης στη θέση του χαλίφη) αλλά is (still) no good enough. Απέκτησε όμως τον αέρα του “πρώτου κόμματος” που (βασικά δεν) πήρε λαϊκή εντολή να επαναδιαπραγματευθεί το μνημόνιο.

Και όσο αναρωτιόμαστε ως λαός από ποιόν και πώς θα κυβερνηθούμε, βλέπουμε στις ειδήσεις σε πραγματικό χρόνο εκείνες τις παραγράφους του Συντάγματος που στο βιβλίο του Δικαίου της Β’ Λυκείου (του ΟΕΔΒ που καταργήθηκε πρόσφατα) παρουσιάζονταν ως εσχάτη λύση και απίθανο σενάριο.

Όχι, τελικά τα προσωπικά μου δε μοιάζουν και τόσο με την πολιτική κατάσταση στην Ελλάδα – ευτυχώς. Τουλάχιστον οι δικές μου εμμονές έχουν να κάνουν με ανθρώπους και συναισθήματα. Οι επιλογές μου βαραίνουν εμένα και φέρω (ευχαρίστως) την ευθύνη τους.

Υ.Γ. Τι εννοείς το ΚΚΕ το άφησα εκτός παραλληλισμού; Εγώ το άφησα;;;

Why (not) taking the others seriously? *

I was told that I take the others way too seriously. And I was told that I shouldn’t. Up to this day I haven’t figured out what this person meant exactly but – strangely enough – I recently heard the same comment – again. Let’s do what girls do when they try (and often fail) to rationalize: analyze!!

What do they mean by “the others”?

When you people say “the others”, do you include yourselves? It is a valid question if you carefully think about it. If I’m not supposed to take the others (you included) seriously, then why should I pay any attention in what you’re saying? If this is a general statement meaning that I should value my own opinions more before giving credit to other people’s opinions, then you lose again because a) my behavior derives from my own opinions anyway b) I’m writing a f* blog, the proof I LIKE my opinions (victim of egoism amongst other -isms) and I give them as much credit as to push the “publish” button c) I’m doing a PhD i.e. I have based my survival for at least the next 2 years on my opinions hoping that they will guarantee me a job in the near future where I will (and this is a warning) “enlighten” others by saying my opinions.

What do they mean by “seriously”?

This is the most crucial part of the statement. There are as many interpretations of the word “seriously” as there are people uttering it and equally as many connotations (ok I’m exaggerating a bit here but I’m excused due to academic background). When I evaluate something as “serious” I don’t necessarily acknowledge the person as –in fact – serious. My humble opinion is that serious is… nobody. We all become inevitably caricatures of the type of seriousness we want to project. Little does it matter how someone wants to be considered, independent/ professional/ scholar/ jester/ moody/ crazy/ careless/ angry/ jerk/ girly (boy or girl)/ nice/ bully/ braggart/ or anything else for that matter. Certainly some people are humorless, but that’s an irreversible state of mind developed in stages until adulthood. For all the other – not inborn – qualities we are continuously trained since childhood in terms of perception, mimesis and reproduction. It is as simple as that: if you don’t know how to be a kind person just look around and see what kind people are doing or just enjoy being a not-so-kind person (aka a jerk). There is always a chance that a kind person will look up to you to improve their living standards. To return to the subject, taking someone seriously means neither that we should endorse their opinions nor that these opinions should (or would) affects us. The whole approach is based on one simple acknowledgement: things acquire the importance we ascribe to them. In other words, something is real if it feels real to someone. Ignoring what are the perceptions of reality for the others practically means that we position ourselves somewhere above (without rising above, no confusion there) and beyond the sphere of emotional influence.

What do they mean by “way too”?

Taking people seriously equals to caring about what people say, how people act, how people express their feelings or why people are happy or why are they sad and so on and so forth as well as being part of it. This is the measure of our humanism. You don’t need to do this for everybody. Just pick some. Some you like. I admit my choices are not always good, giving and loving and caring an’ all. Or requited. Or reasonable. Or…  sane. But for the few (some unreasonably picked, some indeed insane) people I can call my own, I am thankful. And you people, you, are more than welcome. ;)

Am I (not) taking the others way too seriously? So it is, if you think it is so.

*Dedicated to all the unreasonable, unsuccessful, unrequited choices, of mine and of others

HOME

My alias is freespirto. I made it up as an inner joke because once I helped somebody realize she’s a free spirit. I am not, not yet, but I am smart enough to understand it.  In real life I am a PhD candidate in Weimar, a small town of 60.000 in central Germany. I’ve written a lot about Weimar since I moved here 1,5 years ago because it didn’t just change my life but also my perspective about life… and people. Normally I would write a post to celebrate these changes, to share with whoever is reading how do “you know you’ve been in Weimar for 18 months”. I could call Weimar “home” because I have some precious friends here and some precious friends around the world connected to it. But lately I am confused about the word “home”. I was always saying that “home” is wherever there are people we love. My hometown is in all senses “home” but I can foresee a day in the future when all my friends are gone. And most certainly this city will be less “home” to me in the sense that it will be less welcoming, less inviting, in the end, less “mine”. Weimar will much sooner stop feeling like home, if not already, for the same reason. It feels like the place where everybody is having a great time for a while only to leave for other destinations, stronger, wiser, and happier. And soon enough Weimar becomes the place of painful goodbyes if you are the one staying. And soon enough, as people are moving from place to place, country to country (even continent to continent) I'll find myself having people I loved in many different corners of the world. Most certainly I can’t call “home” every place I have a beloved friend. In fact I think I can’t call “home” any place at all because “home” is not a place after all. “Home" is the people you have around when you are somewhere it feels like home. It’s a smell, a wish, some laughs, a dream, a hug, some tears, a smile, excitement, a full moon, a bottle of wine, an early morning walk, the truth. I could go to Italy or Belgium, to some places in Greece, to Netherlands or USA, to some different places in Germany, to Cyprus. But that’s where others have chosen to be. Soon I will have to make my own choice, find a reason (or more) to seek home somewhere in the world. I will probably end up some place else but it’s a necessary process, an inner quest with no right or wrong choices. After all I can still call home the place I was born in… my mum would be really hurt otherwise!

pace of time

Time passes at a different pace in Weimar. Every week here is like two or three “real” weeks in the outside world. The days are full with experiences concentrated and their impacts magnified.

Looking back, lately I have the same impression for Greece. One year ago we were talking about the impacts of the first memorandum, the new economic adjustment programme, the budget and salary cuts, the new taxes… and we hoped. That there is a solution, that things are getting better, that we’ll make it. Then we got angry, we gathered as “indignant” citizens in squares to peacefully (or not so peacefully) demonstrate our opposition and declare that we are not mere “couch observers” (although many of us – maybe too many – actually were). And we still hoped that our voice can be heard, that our actions can provoke change, that we are too many to be ignored. Then we watched in outrage as a referendum proposal shook the whole Europe, and the country spent some days in political default (more like a headless chicken running around) effectively without government. And even then we hoped that this is happening for the better, that things are changing. We watched numbed as a coalition government was formed under the lead of a technocrat prime minister unknown to the wide masses. And even then, we hoped. We hoped not only because someone seemingly untouched by the greek political corruption was in charge but also because he couldn’t prove himself more incompetent from his predecessors. That little was enough to keep us hoping, that it can’t get worse. But it could, and it did. We just didn’t know at the time that in Greece, year 2012, people would be left without electricity supply because they wouldn’t have money to pay the – additional – real estate tax attached to their bills, that they would have to pay a “solidarity contribution”, pay for their medication and medical tests (although they have been paying their insurance fees), would face 19,2% unemployment, with 27,7% of the population living in poverty (numbers rapidly rising). And this is just the tip of the iceberg, numbers unable to describe every day of anxiety, fear and insecurity in greek society while people observe helplessly the disassembling of their lives.

Today, one year after, I don’t know if we can afford hope anymore. But if we can’t, then what is left? Beware, because desperate times call for desperate measures?