How do you ask somebody to not be themselves?
How do you convince somebody that there is still time to change? It all comes
down (again) to the (still and always) unanswered question… “Do people change”?
Can they? Will they? Would they, if they could? And, at the end of the day, does
it matter?
He ate only 2 apples today, they told me. 2
apples! He’s a 53 years old man, who survived today eating 2 apples. He has no appetite,
moreover, he cannot eat. He started the day vomiting the contents of his
stomach. He feels dizzy when he stands up. His feet give way when he tries to
walk. He has lost 12 kg within 3 months. Sometimes he cannot walk without help.
He cannot get out of the house, he cannot wash himself, he is staying in bed. This is what aggressive metastatic stomach
cancer and its necessary treatment does to people. Chemotherapy every 2
weeks. Spine injections, numerous pills. Within three months, a fully
functional man needs to put enormous effort in doing things everybody else
takes for granted. He has always been a man who preferred to socialize
less; a man who wanted to do things alone; making decisions by himself for
himself; a man who was a bit arrogant; a bit more selfish; introverted. He
offered little and would receive only less. He lived a lonely life, I suppose.
This was either an inner necessity or a conscious choice. His choice. Within
three months, he has to fully depend on others. Someone has to drive him to
chemo, wait there with him, and take him back home. Someone has to cook for
him, bring him the food. Someone has to help him walk and wash. Someone has to
stay with him, when he’s not feeling well. In more than half of these occasions
this someone is his older brother. He is there for him not because he has to, but because he wants to. He is there because he
loves him. The people who are there for him now, they all love him. Maybe he
pushed them away at some point. Maybe he did not know how to be with them,
around them, how to express his feelings. Maybe he did not know how to include
people in his life, or did not believe this was important. He does not have a
choice now though. They are all there, and his world has turned upside down. He
finds himself sleeping next to his brother, as if they are kids again in their
parents’ house kitchen. Only when they open their eyes and look at each other,
they are not children anymore. One has white hair and wrinkles around his eyes
and the other one has cancer. Are they repairing their broken relationship?
This is not a movie, where the sick protagonist realizes what he did wrong and miraculously
fixes all his mistakes. This is life. And the protagonist is a terrified man who
doesn’t recognize himself in the mirror. Who can tell if he can or wants to
change? He clings onto old habits, trying to rescue at least some parts of what
he was. How else can he keep fighting? He is not to be blamed; he is not to be
judged. He is only to be loved. And this is what my father does. At the end of
the day, it does not matter whether his brother is going to change or whether
he will understand his mistakes. In this utterly terrifying situation, only one thing
matters, love…
